Laguna's Wide World of BrainRotting Television
by Azzi Vile
Summary: Laguna and myself run a TV staion, has a few spin offs of regular shows you see. An OC fic, just a warning.
1. Learning channel

Authors note: YAY a new story, everything featured in these next chapters, (including this one) I don't own and neither do you.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Todays program (1-10-03): Children's learning channel  
  
Anouncer: (sickly) Hi kiddies! It's now time for Laguna's learning hour, featuring Ania and Zom, Lets LEARN  
  
Camera zooms in on Laguna in a "Mr. Rodgers" suit.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Laguna: Hi kids, welcome to my house of learning fun!  
  
Audience: Yay!  
  
Laguna: today we are going to learn differant types of safety.  
  
Audience: Yay!  
  
Laguna: and helping me is Ania and Zom  
  
Audience: (screams) aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!  
  
Zom:(to Laguna) this isn't working  
  
Laguna: I'm quite aware of this  
  
Ania: hey kids lets learn a song  
  
Audience: (scattered voices) uh...yeah...ok  
  
Zom: I'll be the leader and then it goes to Ania and then we all sing!  
  
Audience: Yay!  
  
Zom: this song was sung by someone else (weird Al) but it's main message is to not fool around with guns  
  
Ania: its called trigger happy  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Zom: (singing) trigger happy  
  
Ania: (singing) trigger happy  
  
Zom: (singing) Got an AK-47, well you know what makes me feel alright?  
  
Got an uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night  
  
Theres no feeling any greater than to,  
  
Shoot first and ask questions later, now I'm,  
  
Trigger happy,  
  
Trigger happy every day...  
  
  
Ania: (singing) Well, you can't take my guns away, I got a constitutional right,  
  
Yeah, I gotta be ready if the Commies attack us tonight,   
  
I'll blow their brains out with my Smith and Wesson,   
  
That ought to teach them all a darn good lesson,   
  
Now I'm trigger happy,   
  
Trigger happy every day,  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Laguna: stop, your not teaching them anything!  
  
Ania: oh yeah huh?  
  
Laguna: now we are going to learn "not to play with fire"  
  
Ania: yeah, look what happens when I play with fire  
  
Ania lights a match and sets fire to Zom  
  
Zom: (engulfed in flames) as you can see this is very painful.  
  
Jepardy theme song comes into play  
  
Zom: (screaming) aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............  
  
Laguna: (snapped)Alright, this isn't a learning channel, oh no, its a mad house and these two are the ring leaders! your supose to be learning! LEARN DAMN YOU  
  
children flee the building in horror  
  
Zom: that was fun  
  
Ania: again!  
  
Laguna: NOOOOOOOO  
  
  
~end chapter one~ 


	2. Comercial 1

Todays program (1-10-03): Comercials  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
comercial begins were the Ragnarok lands at a grocery store parking lot, Laguna Gets out and starts walking to the store, a random shopping cart is seen rolling towards the Ragnarok, Then Laguna tackles the shopping cart, barely missing the Ship  
  
Anouncer: some people just like our cars  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NEXT  
  
Anouncer: What would Ania do for a Snickers Bar?  
  
Ania is at Blockbuster with an acordian  
  
Ania: note ta dri papalorni amino she mo,   
  
note jorn, nort de porn, no she lanto,  
  
someone pegs her with a video tape  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NEXT  
  
Zom is seen running around the house and Ania is chasing her  
  
Ania: ZOM, get over here  
  
Zom:mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!  
  
Ania stops in the kitchen and pours a glass of water and then takes out a tablet, sticks it in her mouth and chews it up  
  
mean while Zom comes through the kitchen and Ania turns around and gets her in a head-lock and grabs the glass of water  
  
Ania: SPIT IT OUT  
  
Zom spits out a goldfish  
  
Anouncer: chewable asprin tablets, use your water for other things  
  
Ania: you need to stop doing that!  
  
Ania turn around and works on washing the dishes  
  
Zom takes the glass of water and swallows the goldfish  
  
Zom: haha  
  
Zom tries to make a run for it, but Ania turns around and pegs her wish a dish  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NEXT  
  
Zom is seated opon a huge rock, after a while Laguna comes in  
  
Zom: I cry when daddy drinks  
  
Laguna: daddy drinks because you cry  
  
Anouncer: Levi Jeans  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NEXT  
  
dramatic music entered here  
  
Anouncer: have you ever wondered what the life of a vampire would be like?  
  
a long haired girl is seen sulking in the shadows  
  
Anouncer: having lived for many years to come? And with a talking dog??  
  
a girl and her dog are entering a room  
  
Girl: I hate you!  
  
Dog: YEA, and what else is new!  
  
Anouncer: come read the story of a life time (well not really)staring:  
  
*Azzi Vile as.... herself?  
  
Zom: NOOOOO ITS ME, WHO HIRED YOU? AM I WORKING ALONE HERE?  
  
Anouncer: moving on....  
  
*Capone as Duamatef  
  
Capone: who am I you ask? READ THE STORY  
  
Anouncer: and.....a bunch of other people  
  
Other people: hey!!  
  
Anouncer: come read 'Vampires of the Crimson Moon' authored by: Anuksulionrouge. Rated PG-13 (like any of you care) only here on Fanfiction.net  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END 1st Comercial~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	3. Cooking channel

Todays Program (1-19-03): Cooking Channel  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Anouncer: Welcome to Rotten-Diqusting-Appetizers, heres you hosts.....you should know them by now, I quit.  
  
Zom: NOOO you can't leave us now!!  
  
Anouncer: and why not?  
  
Zom: ....I don't know?   
  
Anouncer: OK bye (leaves)  
  
Zom: bye!!  
  
Laguna: Ok now that thats done, welcome to our cooking show  
  
Ania: its not like the cooking channel  
  
Zom: and its not even legal!!  
  
Laguna: sssssshhhhhhh!!!  
  
Ania: and today were going to cook something simple for those who don't know how to cook.  
  
Zom: Ania!! Where is your personality?  
  
Ania's hand comes up slowly from under the table with a monkey oven mit over it  
  
Ania's Hand: (high pitched) rrrrrriiiiiiiiight here  
  
Zom: kay  
  
Ania's hand: were going to cook pizza  
  
Zom & Laguna: oooooohhhhhhh  
  
Laguna: first we open the freezer and take out a Red Baron pizza dish  
  
Ania: then we take it out of its wrap  
  
Ania's hand: and we pre heat the oven at 350 degrees  
  
Ania's hand pre heats the oven at 450 degrees!!!  
  
Zom: put the pizza on the pan  
  
All: and put it in the oven  
  
they slid the pizza in the oven  
  
All: then we wait  
  
Laguna: you know what else is good with Pizza?  
  
Ania & Zom: what?  
  
Laguna: pickles  
  
Zom: yay  
  
Ania: eww  
  
Zom: do you defy the pickle? does your @$$ need kicking?  
  
Ania: yes and no  
  
Zom: alrighty then  
  
Laguna opens the fridge and gets a jar of pickles out  
  
Laguna: yay pickles  
  
Laguna opens the jar and shoves his hand in and grabs a pickle  
  
Zom: nummy pickles!  
  
Laguna tries to retract his hand, but his hands caught  
  
Zom: pickle?  
  
Laguna: I'm trying!  
  
Zom: your not trying hard enough!  
  
Zom pounces on Laguna and puts her hand in the jar, you can take a guess at what happens then  
  
Zom: uh oh  
  
Ania:(sniffing) whats that smell?  
  
she looks over to see that the oven has caught fire  
  
Ania: ITS TIME MR. MONKEY HAND  
  
Ania's hand: yay  
  
Together: its time to call the Extinguisher  
  
a fire extinguisher comes out of no where  
  
Ania: die evil flames  
  
the kitchen is filled with white extinguishing stuff  
  
Laguna: still...caught...in...jar  
  
Zom: yeah...me..too  
  
Ania: And heres how it looks at the end  
  
a small black smocking object lies on the pizza pan  
  
Ania: bye bye  
  
~End Chapter 3~ 


	4. Home Shopping channel

Todays Program(2-17-03): Home Shopping Network  
  
Zom: due to the fact that Lyssa (Ania) is getting sick of her name she is now Rhea. this sudden change is to give you a new prospective of my story and also the fact that if it wasn't changed my head would no longer be on my shoulders. have a nice life.(I wish I could)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Laguna: hey everyone and welcome to the home shopping network. so lets get down to the items of today, whats our first item Zom....  
  
Zom: Our first item is this guitar....  
  
Rhea: Yes this guitar is a quality item indeed, with its rich tone and well crafted body you would think you paid thousands for it.  
  
Laguna: but you won't because its only $79.95 lets see what our satified custumors have to say  
  
Rhea: hello? please tell our thousands of viewers out there what you think of this product  
  
Caller1: WHAT THE HELL, A WEEK AGO I WANTED YOU TO SEND A GUITAR TO MY SISTERS HOUSE FOR HER BIRTHDAY AND YOU SENT HER A TISSUE BOX WITH THREE RUBBER BAND STRUNG ACROSS IT, YOUR GETTIN SUED PAL 'click'  
  
Zom: neat, next item.   
  
Laguna: for all you men out there, this ones for you, a deluxe sword and dagger set.  
  
Rhea: it comes with one samuri sword, one medieval sword, and five daggers all neatly placed on a stand so you can display it to your friends.  
  
Laguna: lets have another call.  
  
Zom: your on  
  
Caller2: DO YOU FIND THIS FUNNY?  
  
Zom: in a cosmic sort of way, yes  
  
Caller2: WELL PAL, YOU SEND ME FIVE STEAK KNIVES AND TWO WOODEN PIRATE SWORDS, i LOOKED LIKE A TOTAL JACK ASS IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS, I WANT A REFUND.  
  
Laguna: kay, bye bye  
  
Zom: we also have an authentic bear skin rug, we even custom make it to your liking  
  
Rhea: they come in a variety of colors and styles  
  
Laguna: next caller  
  
Caller3: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Laguna: Caller?  
  
Caller3: what have you done to my fluffy!!?  
  
Laguna: excuse me?  
  
Caller3: my cat fluffy, it looks like he was ran over by a steam roller and put in a box  
  
Rhea: it may look like that but maybe its a manufacturers look alike  
  
Caller3: ITS GOT ITS COLLAR   
  
Laguna: next item is this lovely roticery cooking device  
  
Rhea: it can even rotate a turkey  
  
Zom: Caller, please tell us about your expierience with this roticery appliance  
  
Caller4: you sent me a pack of matches and a stick?!!  
  
Laguna: uhhh.......no?!  
  
Caller4: yes you did!  
  
Zom: well thats all for today, keep buying our quality stuff and we will be back shortly  
  
Caller4: THE HELL YOU WILL  
  
Laguna: bye  
  
~End Chapter 4~ 


	5. Movie Critic channel

Todays program (2-28-03): Movie Critics  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Anouncer: And now its time for MC tv, heres your hosts Rhea, Laguna, and Zom  
  
Audience: huh? oh.....YAY  
  
Laguna: WELCOME CURIOUS MOVIE WATCHERS TO MC TV, I'm your host Laguna  
  
Rhea: And I'm his co-host Rhea  
  
Zom: AND IM JUST HERE FOR NO REASON AT ALL  
  
Laguna:(wispering) you have to do the acting...  
  
Zom:......oh yeah huh?  
  
Laguna: anyways tonight we will give advice on which movies to watch  
  
Zom: and which ones to not watch  
  
Rhea: have you ever went to a movie with your girlfriend, and see the most god-awful piece of garbage to ever crawl its way to a movie theater? Well now all you need to do is listen to us, we watch so many movies our G.P.A is slowly withering away from us.  
  
Zom: yup  
  
Laguna: our first movie is called "Darkness Falls"  
  
Rhea: Lets see....a tooth fairy that hates light comes to kill peoples lives just because they saw her face.....does this sound like a good movie Laguna?  
  
Laguna: Well lets put the movie into perspective....ZOM!!!  
  
Zom is over on the side with a cup of coffee  
  
Zom:(sipping) YYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS?  
  
Laguna: show the video clips to Darkness Falls  
  
Zom: OK  
  
she grabs the video tape and puts it in the VCR, but it spits it out  
  
Zom: hhhhmmmmm.....?  
  
she shoves it back in, and it pops back out  
  
Zom:.........  
  
shoves it in once more, and again it spits it back out  
  
Zom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
She grips the tape in her hands and breaks it in two, chews on the tape, sticks it all into the VCR, pours coffee in it and bangs her head on it  
  
Zom: OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW  
  
the VCR short-circuts and explodes  
  
Zom:uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh..........I can't find the tape  
  
Laguna: THE HELL YOU CAN't, THE VCR EXPLODED  
  
Zom: .........no  
  
Laguna: OK, we'll act out the tape  
  
Rhea: YAY ACTING  
  
Laguna looks for the toothfairy outfit that was used in the movie  
  
Laguna: damn, we don't have it  
  
Rhea gets into a bed and puts the covers over her head as if shes asleep  
  
Zom: what do i get to do?  
  
Laguna: well i need you to support me on the wire since i can't fly  
  
Zom: kay  
  
Laguna is still looking for the toothfairy costume but finds and alternate costume instead  
  
Laguna: ohhhhh God almighty.....  
  
The camera zooms in on Rhea under the covers, Zom puts the rope around Laguna and hoists him up in the air over Rhea  
  
Zom: I wish I had my camera.....  
  
Laguna is wearing a tutu with the crown and everything  
  
Laguna: I hope Kiros and Ward arn't watching this  
  
at Kiros' house him and Ward are taping the whole show, Rolling on the floor  
  
Laguna is lowered above Rhea, then she peeks out to see a pink Laguna attatched to a string hovering over her head with his crown and wand  
  
Rhea: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh kill it kill it kill it!!!!!!!  
  
Rhea hits him repetitively with a near by broom  
  
Laguna: OW OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWoW  
  
Laguna takes his wand and beats her with it  
  
Rhea: OW AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH OW AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH OW AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Zom loses control over the rope and Laguna is being flung everywhere  
  
Finally Laguna plows full force into the camera and the show ends  
  
~End Chapter 4~ 


	6. Music Channel

Todays program (3-26-03): Music Television  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Zom Anouncement: sorry to say but theres another change in the story, I will no longer have the name Zom, because I'm getting sick of it, And from now on I will be refered to as Azzi, because my ideas come into my head while I sleep at night and the bongo faeries want me to have this name, and not to confuse anyone with the new name change, I am and always have been a girl. OK on to the story.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Rhea and Azzi are seen sitting in two directors chairs, Rhea in a windbreaker...outfit...thing with a backwards hat and tennis shoes and Azzi dressed like a hippie with cicular sun glasses and a tie-dyed grateful dead T-shirt  
  
Rhea: HEY EVERYONE!! and welcome to the music channel...thing  
  
Azzi: We currently don't have a name for it so..yeah........theres music here!!!  
  
Rhea: YUP, now for our first video, our accomplice Laguna will be playing a well known song.....uh....HEY WHADAYA KNOW, I FORGOT IT...  
  
Azzi: uhhhh.....pickles?  
  
Rhea: lets let them figure it out....  
  
the camera fades them out and fades in to see Laguna in Zuit-Suit  
  
Laguna: ummmm, do to the fact that....... ummm..... we have no band there will be no music.....or singing.....uhhh sorry   
  
Camera fades laguna out and fades back in to see a very pissed off Azzi  
  
Rhea:(mouth open)......  
  
Azzi: (hehe...STEAM).......  
  
Rhea: ......  
  
Azzi: ......  
  
Laguna: ......  
  
.....  
  
Azzi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH   
  
Azzi passes out  
  
Rhea: thats kind of bad.....coffee?  
  
Laguna: nahhh, I'm good.....  
  
Laguna and Rhea look at Azzi's pron body  
  
Laguna: commercial break?  
  
Rhea: yeah  
  
COMMERCIAL  
  
Announcer: tired of that rancid smell when....  
  
Unknown voice: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Azzi rips through the commercial screen, and it seems that she is foaming at the mouth  
  
Azzi: CANCEL MY MUSIC CHANNEL WILL THEY!!!!  
  
Laguna:(distant) we haven't been canceled, we just don't have a band  
  
Azzi:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
Azzi pulls out a chainsaw and starts to plow into all the electrical equipment  
  
Laguna: hhhhhhmmmmm.....sparks  
  
Rhea is hitting stuff with a hammer  
  
Laguna: what are you doing?  
  
Rhea: it looked fun  
  
Laguna:.......  
  
Laguna pulles out a crowbar, and also starts to break things  
  
Azzi: AHAHAHAHAHAHA.....  
  
gets really close to the camera  
  
Azzi: that will teach them to mess with Azzi, WON'T IT KIDDIES!!!!  
  
A helecopter camera spots everyone screaming and fleeing from the building  
  
Azzi:(panting).......  
  
Random people come in  
  
Man1: hey sorry were late  
  
Laguna: who are you guys?  
  
Man2: we're the band, you guys hired us, remember?  
  
Azzi:......  
  
Rhea:......  
  
Laguna:......  
  
Azzi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh  
  
Azzi chases them out of the building with the chiansaw and Laguna and Rhea go get some coffee  
  
~End Chapter 5~ 


	7. Weakest Link

Todays Program (8/9/03): Weakest Link (parody) ::I don't know about the rest of you but I can't stand the Weakest Link, SO I will make fun of the pointless show,this show makes chearleaders seem smart::  
  
Azzi: oh and before I forget. I have a web site now!! yipee, its not good but it will do until I get some people to accually come in and donate art, stories, or what ever you can think of. (oh and the counter on the bottom, Those are my visits, just wondering how many people come to my site, none so far) PLEASE COME TO MY SITE AND DONATE THINGS. Or at least e-mail me about something to make it better. Tank you (the word "tank" is intentional) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Narrator: welcome to the weakest Link and heres your host, Azzi!!!  
  
Azzi: thank you thank you, now lets introduce our players  
  
(camera zooms in on each individual)  
  
Azzi: first off is Rhea  
  
(Rhea is asleep standing up)  
  
Rhea: ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzz..................SNIZZLEFRAZNY!!!!!!! ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz  
  
Azzi: uhhhh......Next is Laguna!  
  
(Laguna smiles and waves)  
  
Azzi: third is Kiros  
  
Kiros:.............  
  
Azzi: and finally Ward  
  
Ward:(thinking)I CAN'T TALK, WHY AM I HERE?!!!!  
  
Azzi: so lets begin. Rhea we will start with you.......  
  
Rhea:(groggy) whuuuu......?  
  
Azzi: Rhea...whats the capitol of Phoenix? Go!!  
  
Rhea: isn't that a capitol?  
  
Azzi:........  
  
Rhea:......  
  
Azzi:(glares) Damn your good, Next.....  
  
($250)  
  
Azzi: Laguna, whats the color of my underwear?  
  
Laguna:is it the blue ones or the black ones?  
  
Azzi: HAH, I knew someone was going through my underwear drawer!!  
  
Rhea:(head on table) heh he heh hehe......  
  
($500)  
  
Azzi: Kiros, who originally sang "Sympathy for the Devil"  
  
Kiros: Guns N' Roses?  
  
(money go bye bye)  
  
Azzi: no it was the Rollin' Stones, but the Guns N' Roses version was very good. Ok you all just lost your money......  
  
(Laguna glares at Kiros)  
  
Laguna: your suppost to be the smart one!!  
  
Kiros: sorry but music isn't my thing...  
  
Azzi: Ward, for the past 3 months what have I been doing?  
  
Ward:.............  
  
Azzi: THATS RIGHT, nothing  
  
($250)  
  
(Siren goes off and everyone screams)  
  
Azzi: NO NO DON'T LEAVE!! ITS THE END OF ROUND ONE  
  
(everyone take a seat)  
  
Azzi: its now time to vote off the Weakest Link.......  
  
Narrator: We were watching the football playoffs, so we're not entirely sure about whos the strongest or Weakest link.....sorry.  
  
Azzi: Ok lets see what you all wrote down  
  
(Rhea hold up her sign that has her name written on it!!)  
  
Azzi: you vote yourself off?  
  
Rhea: oh, I thought you vote whos the strongest link? Sorry, my bad  
  
Azzi: we'll skip you  
  
Laguna: holds up a sign with Azzi's name on it.  
  
Azzi: ???  
  
(Kiros and Ward hold up a sign with Azzi's name on it as well)  
  
Azzi: wow, I guess I'm the weakest Link, Weird!!!  
  
(7 guards come in and drag Azzi away)  
  
Rhea: ITS MY TURN TO BE HOST!!!!!  
  
End Chapter 6  
  
(will be continued some time)  
  
Azzi: AND REMEMBER.....My site needs you, go to my site, Oblivious on how to get there? Go to my profile!! Also If you don't wish to go you can AIM me 'TheVampireAzzi" PLEASE I'm ALONE. 


End file.
